I don't know what to say

But all I know is that my heart is breaking.

Noah and I just celebrated our 'one-month-to-a-year-since-he-met-me' day.
He bought me something from Tiff and Co.
Whereas what he doesn't know is that.
I got him presents too.
I went to our two favorite shopping malls and got him several stuff, I gave them to his parents on the 4th.
And I left out the bookmarks I bought him which is stupid of me.
I was gonna make a trip up to his parent's place again just to pack the bookmarks with the other gifts.

I don't have to any more.

Things do not look good on my side.
And he's apathetic towards me and doesn't care about anything I do.
How can I possibly commit to a relationship like this?

Would you?
I was insane enough to stick with him through last year, I was happy at certain times.
And now I'm not.

This hurts so fucking much I can't type anymore.
I feel like just plunging into a deep hole.. and I wish I couldn't feel.

I wonder who lost who.
It doesn't matter anymore I guess.
My heart died..

I really wanted to post this on his wall(facebook) but now I don't ever get the chance.
and chances he would actually notice this blog is close to zero.
so what the heck.

This was supposed to be beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUiTQvT0W_0


I hate myself so much.

What about that...

Noah's first day of Uni..

I didn't sleep the whole night.. I've been awake straight since the previous morning at 7.36 am.

hah... I wonder if anyone out there was ever as anxious and worried about her boyfriend starting school that she couldn't sleep and stayed up just hoping for his email.

He got a phone, and I wasn't the first one to know.

I've been waiting since his class dismissed four hours ago..
And apparently he is out with his friends. lovely.
so much for 'I'll talk to you soon babe'... 

way to go...

T_T

I have no one to run to.. No one at all..
Words cannot describe how hurt I am..
I'm still waiting for him to come back...

Am I stupid or what?  ......

I've been so tied down with this emotion I'm feeling right now,

and I think it has worsened.
Symptoms: Inability to breathe, heavy heavy heart, loss of appetite, fatigue...
I hope this doesn't go on.. I don't know how much I can take..


Half dead,
Alice

Noah's first day of Uni

I'm as anxious as a mother seeing her only child go to school for the first time..
I wish I was there..
So he could run to me if he needs someone or if he's too pressured..

I doubt I can sleep tonight.. oh my...
I wish you the best my love!

I hope you got to school in time.. and I hope you have sufficient stationery...

I'm so so worried...

All the best!
Ahhh I so want to shout out to the world how much I love you....


Alice

A week since he left...

Noah left for the States on the fifth...
Time flies.. it has already been a week... a slow painful week..

I remembered talking to Noah the first time after he reached there, which was two days after he left his home...

I love him so...

I was going through a rough time these few days.. partially because I was rushing about my official high school transcripts... but more because I missed him so much.. I have been extremely cold and edgy...
And when I look at him.. The way he talks to his friends and stuff.. He's doing well...
I don't want to be a sour grape.. but then... I thought I would have more of what he has to offer...

Is it really true that long distant relationships never lasts... :'(
I'd risk it all anyway...

He leaves without telling me anymore..
I don't know where he goes what he does anymore..
It's so hard...
And yet he doesn't understand...

Please..... take this pain away.


I don't know what else to say.


A very tired, whiny and hurt Alice.

He left..

I woke up in a blur.. with slightly painful throbbing in my heart...
Not because I slept for only 5 hours, but because I knew today is the day..
The day my best friend, my lover and my everything would be leaving...
My heart dropped even lower after knowing I can't go immediately after I bathed and gathered all my stuff...
Therefore I wasted 3 hours again...
God knows how much I would give to have that few hours back... A few more hours with Noah...

I rushed over to his place, but it was 33 minutes gone.. When I reached, my dear was having a nap as he didn't really get any sleep the previous night.
I settled down..  Walked over to him and pampered him. Hugged him... oh how much I long for his warm hugs...
It's so painful to write what happened but not being able to show the intensity of my emotions..

He continued to rest as I ransacked the whole house to look for his certificates...
I was so disappointed with myself... I couldn't find them.. though I am certain they were there! =(
I spooned my Noah with all the love I could give... Gave little pecks on his back.. and felt his heartbeat against my palm...

And after everything was done.. I helped him pack... I swear I broke down every five minutes...
It was so hard to help him pack to let him go.. so far away..

After we were done packing.. We placed the luggage in the car.. and I drove...
As I drove... He held my hand, and tears flooded our eyes...

We reached the airport...
Did the usual check in for the bigger luggage then sat at McDonalds, told a couple of pictures of him and his family.
Then we took, we took quite a lot..
Oh.. how I long to be in his arms again...

We hugged... we teared... we kissed.. I wish time could just stop..
I know I've loved this man. But I didn't know how much...
And it was when he let go off my hand to walk into the terminal....... Did I know that I love this man too much... And I cannot wait till we finally get to hold each other in our arms... I stood there rooted to the ground as he turned his back to me and walked...  He has never walked away from me.. It was a  painful sight...  His dad and grandmum left after Noah and his mum walked in... then grandmum came back to call me..to walk with them.. So I looked at my dear Noah once more... I saw him looking for me.. and saw me walking facing him.. He waved so high up I could see... I gathered whatever I had left..Turned and walked..
His dad and grandmum talked to me a little.. His dad actually suggested me going in February.. He had no idea how much I wanted to just go with Noah then and there...

After that..
I drove home.. And while I was on the way home, dear Noah called me... I broke down at the sound of his voice.. it melted me.. I missed him so much already.. I felt like screaming at the top of the world on the top of my lungs that I love him!  He dropped me a few text messages.. and that was enough to make me weep non-stop...
it was a rather tough journey.. I couldn't really drive... All I thought about was him.. And all I'm thinking is him..

He called later when he reached KLIA..
I had to call him back as I was driving.. When I reached home I passed the phone to my youngest sister...
She teared up when she heard his voice.. It was so touching, who knew this man would have such an impact in our lives...

He called again at 11.23 pm.. for five minutes and that was it... The plane was preparing to take off...to Japan. Then Dallas. Then Austin.
Worst thing is that I won't hear his voice until the 10th...
I love him so much... I'd give anything to have more time with him..

I guess...
We really don't know how to appreciate someone until we lose them.
I didn't lose my dear Noah, but then we are physically apart. And as he left.. 

He took a part of my soul with him..

The things I'll miss are the things we've done together...
I will miss seeing his car parked outside my house...
I will miss seeing his face when he tastes something good..
I will miss him heart beating against my back..
I will miss pampering him.. loving him and caring for him..
I will miss the times we swam together..

I miss those times when we were being completely ourselves yet completely happy..

I can proudly say that this man... IS and will always be the man I love.

I don't wanna end this.. because the memories of the best time of my life keeps flowing in..
I love you..

I will always remember your waving silhouette as I left your house 5th at 1 something am..

I will never forget anything and everything you have done for me.
All the best to you my love..
I will always be with you..  =')

Forever yours
Alice

The unforgiving minute

4, January 2012

I went to his place three hours late... I missed out so much time with him.
I hated everything that was in the way...
Because time was so precious to me...
As soon as I got hold of my car, I sped off to see him. We had a rough night last night, but I am glad we worked it out.
We went up to freshen up.. then to my college. He has always stood by me whenever I had problems I didn't know how to solve, though they were easy tasks. (I'm a failure -.-)
After we were done with the stuff in college, it was already 6 pm.
We then made way to Gurney Plaza :') It brought back so many memories... And they were all ours..
We went searching for that one thing we have been trying to get for almost two weeks.
But to no avail...

We made way to Straits Quay...
The journey itself doesn't take long... But how we felt that day was indescribable..
We knew it was our last trip here before he leaves...
The feeling overwhelmed me... And I ended up in tears..
We found the perfect one.. He loved it..
We took awhile to make the decision, but the moment we bought it we were relieved, satisfied, happy, all the positive emotions all jumbled up =3

This place is a very special place for the both of us.. And we will always remember what started here.
This place and how we felt rekindled our love, and made it even stronger.
We felt confident that no matter where we are, we will always have each other..

We had old town for supper..
Then we headed back home..
We spent one of the most beautiful nights throughout our relationship..
His every word and every move touched me to the core..
I felt so helpless..
Because I know I can never stop time..

I wish I could..
I love you so much...

Alice

The best year of my life

12/31/2011

I took a night to reflect whatever I have done in this year.
Sad to say, I do regret a lot of things I did.
But on the other hand, I met the most wonderful human being.
We had many ups and downs, many laughs and tears.
Most of all, we had love.
This wonderful being whom I share all of these with is my dear Noah.

Noah and I have just came back from one of the best trips of our lives.
We spent the last two weeks together. With glorious food and splendid shopping malls, we spent our seven months together.

And as I look back to since the day we met, we have grown and hopefully our love won't ever end.
I love you and I wish you the best in whatever you do, where ever you are.


( My dear Noah will be leaving to Texas which is 10000 over km away from me in 5 days, as much as I have a heavy heart, I wish him the best with all the courage and love I could gather, it will be hard, but I am confident we will pull through. Noah has made numerous promises to me, and me to him. I can proudly say I hold each and every one of them dearly to my heart and so does he.)

I love you my dear Noah and one day you will see this.
I miss you already.

With love,
Alice